I have been trying to decide, for the last 5 min, how to phrase this blog. Not sure why I am even writing it other than sometimes I just want to get things out in the open. Sorry Maddy, there won't be any photos so I guess since this is more than two sentences you won't be reading but the fact is, you inspire me to write these things.
I know that usually I write about all the fun we are having. But everyone should know, that even though I smile and am very happy, there is sometimes a part of me that is very bitter and afraid. Yep, it's true.
Of what you might be asking your self...or probably are saying, What the crap? I am done with this blog post.
I am afraid of being in a group and not having someone to talk with. I have serious social phobia. Shocking to some I know. It is a struggle for me to go into groups without knowing I will 100% have someone to be there to talk with me and really does like me. For example, my class reunions. I have never gone and right now, don't think I will ever go, because they scare me. Sure some of you went to high school with me but that doesn't mean you don't have other friends you will be hanging out with since I didn't really hang out all that much in high school with you and those I did, I don't talk with. (This problem was started in high school though. By my senior year, I didn't do much with anyone.) I don't like being a loner, but it just happened and it scares me.
I go to church activities. I usually find one person who is willing to talk with me and I try to stay near them the entire time then I leave.
I really do try to go out of my way to make friends and meet people. I try not to be the one that hides in the corner cause I really don't like to be there but I am scared of people and feel like I don't have anything to contribute to the conversation.
Bitterness. I have bitterness too, I guess it goes hand in hand with the social thing...I get bitter when I am left out of things. I could talk in circles though because I get bitter because I am left out of things but I don't always go because I am scared and then people don't invite me because I don't go and the circle just continues. So really if I don't come to things, sometimes it is because I am busy but just as often, if not more it is because I am scared.
The moral of the story - I know I need to get over myself. Sometimes though, I just want to rant. Just Keepin' it Real.
12 years ago
