This is a difficult post for me to write. I have been thinking about it for some time this morning and think that in the end it will help me and that is what matters.
I don't know if many of my friends who read this realize that I have suffered from "depression" for most of my life. Not only that but that I have been on medications for most of that time too. Seriously, since I was about 17. I was told to go off all my meds last August when preparing for the IVF. After Rick and I were discussing and we decided that I would stay off them. As most of you know, I am generally happy. Because of being off my meds my emotions range on a scale from 1-10 from 3-9 now rather than just 4-6. I feel like I am alive. Rick told me that he would rather have me cry everyday for a little bit and be able to get those 9 from me than just have me numb to life anymore. I agreed with him.
For years my mom told me that I had to be on them. I remember trying to go off them at one point in time and she would yell at me. She told me that I had no right living in her home without being on them. She would call me a bitch all the time. (She still does but that is another story.) I remember my doctor telling me, you can't change a person's personality with meds. It may calm the traits but it will not change them. My mom was trying to change me.
I am proud of who I am. I think most of you would even say that you like me being who I am.
SO back to the issue on hand. Yes most of the time I am very happy and optimistic BUT I do have my days and today is one of them. I don't like feeling like this. I don't feel like it is me. I also hate being a complainer but today I feel like that is what I need to do to help me feel better.
Let me make a list...
I want to be a mother but I can't afford for it to happen. Even if I have a job it will be a stretch as it already was a miracle that we could afford to do IVF even once. I know that Heavenly Father is watching and has a plan and all that but you know sometimes I just don't like it.
I don't like feeling worthless. Not having a job is great fun. There are so many things for me to do that I am never bored BUT I feel like I am not contributing to our family. This is compounded by the fact that my old job owes me back wages and really I have no legal way to "make" them pay me.
For many years I had to be the strong one in my family. I did not feel like I was allowed to have feelings such as the ones I am having today. In fact, if I were to share these I would probably have them discounted by most of my family members as being selfish. I am reading a very good book right now and it is teaching me that it is ok to feel this way. I don't feel sad because of anyone else, just because. It will go away and I will be fine again, proably by this afternoon knowing myself, nevertheless, these feelings are real. I hurt. And I am not going to just brush them aside and discount them.
I guess I just need to cry today and get out the emotions. Please forgive me for rambling and complaining. It really isn't in my nature to complain, even though rambling is. :)
12 years ago
6 comments:
Michelle, I am glad you wrote this! It is not only healthy to express your feelings, but it is also GOOD to get out your emotions and feelings every once in awhile. Every one needs to vent, and so this was your time to vent. Don't feel bad for posting your feelings. You probably feel much better after posting this :) I'm excited to see what the future holds for you guys!
Hang in there Shell. I am with you on the depression and understand completely. The best advice I ever heard is keep telling yourself "I'll be better in a little bit" and then eventually it will pass and you will.
Love you.
I have the exact same story lines of growing up on meds. But mine started at what? 14? (hello puberty?), and eventually weaned myself off around 19/20 when I had to pay for them myself and couldn't. It's hard. It seems like the medication was a coping mechanism in and of itself, and to now not have that after so many years is hard, scary, and sometimes it seems impossible. There's a reason I freak out when I can't exercise because over the last 5 years, it's taken the place of anti-depressants, but I have to get my heart rate high enough for it to work.
Anyway, after rambling, I agree. You are warranted in your feelings, and have every right to cry. esp. right now. Life sucks right now. I know I'm not the best, but I am here if you want to talk. :)
I am glad that you wrote this. You are very loved by so many people, including myself. I am sorry that you have your bad days. They are going to make you a stronger person. That is what trials are for. Know that you are an awesome person and that people look up to you!
Thanks for being honest...I think you know my story well and I can completely relate. There sill be a break in the clouds eventually, take it from us. And in the mean time cry and be a "b" (yikes) all you want, Heavenly Father is still there and he can take it! So can y our friends :)
Hey Shell, my Blogger account just started updating your blog again. And here I thought you weren't posting for months...silly me! Anyway, thanks for sharing your feelings with us. You've had a lot of hard stuff going on and I think you're doing a great job of dealing with it. Hang in there, girl...
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